When I first started my writing collective a few years back, I chose the name Kambili. It means “let me live.” I felt it was perfect. I was living in a world where I was being focused on at a granular level and that’s alot. Yet, I have lived enough life to know that there are people who feel an innate need to tell others how to live despite being reproached.
For me harmony is achieved when everyone is respectfully giving their opinion and sharing feelings and ultimately minding their business and letting other people live. In 2019, I gave up gossiping. Right after that I did my best to remove the things that were erected as idols in my life. Those two actions cleared out pretty much everyone in my life. That’s sad and scary when you think about it.
To be clear, I really only had one gossip partner, but she was, and is, the queen bee of it. We all have these people in our lives. For the most part it’s innocent, but I had to permanently let it go. Gossip puts in motion unforeseen tragedies that often boomerang back in the form of karma. Most people don’t know that’s what’s happening though. When I did that, it created a peace within me that has been unwavering. I largely focus on the tasks at hand and the joy in my circle. Harmony is best when you do you and I do me, and when it feels right, we can do us. I am ok to lose out in some situations and win in others. But all people need the space to express themselves and to simply be. We are here to love and to express ourselves in the unique way that God intended and will often upset the apple cart if those ideations are obstructed. Remember, one person’s harmony is another person’s overbearing—therefore walking away or taking turns being quiet is best.
The best way to do something is to do it. Faith without works is dead. However, when you feel that you’ve done all you can but you still can’t “make it” then it’s time to investigate the genesis of your discontent. I like to use marriages of opposites as a point of reference. For example, the glass half empty person married to the eternal optimist. In both case they are not right, or wrong, but what can be agreed upon is that there is a glass. The contents of it is a matter of perception, and therein lies your discontent, or your joy. If you focus on the glass, you will see that the glass itself is malleable. It can be utilized and symbolizes opportunity overall.
There is a school of thought where people wait for their cup to be filled and others learn to fill it themselves. Which is better? I personally am self-motivated and activated. While it is always nice to have the support I desire, I am not entitled to a sustained stream of anything. If I were, that means that someone is giving for me and taking from them, and that could leave them in lack. The goal is always to be what I desire and to share it. That is the most abundant state and one where most giving can be genuine. I feel alot of people would categorize themselves as genuine, altruistic, and even selfless. Yet, the real challenge comes when your help is no longer needed or someone you helped surpasses you. Will you be able to handle that? Most of us can’t. We want you to do good, but not necessarily that good.
You Don’t Really Grapple With Truth, You Grapple With Interpretations
This is where the idea of living out a truth as opposed to talking about a truth has a different feel. It will cause you to think logically upon the things you claim to value and to become honest about your desire to share them. For example, when we say “our shared history” what does it mean? If everything thing is shared and we came up together, can anything be appropriated? Of course. The truth discontent is the lack of citing the sources, or citing the creator. It doesn’t mean that it won’t be taken, it absolutely will be, and monetized as well, but at least we will know where it came from.
Does this communal sharing work both ways? Of course. You wear my dreadlocks and I dance the Irish jig. However, what is lost, is individuality. A menudo and melting pot isn’t necessarily diverse on the surface. It appears more like a goulash and less like a buffet. Personally, I like everything having a cultural diversity. I think now people comfortable embracing their heritage and they want to figure out a way to keep it a normal part of their existence without it being a centerstage issue. They don’t want to be set apart for it, judged for it, discriminated against because of it–but it also doesn’t need to suck the air out of the room. How is that done? I have my ideas but I will wait and see. I guess this can be solved within in a pluralistic society, yet technically we already live in one. We live this everyday, and it’s what makes this country great, but there is a disconnect. Many people feel trapped in a state of discontent. I think what we desire is to feel a sense of connectedness, and that comes from a connection that goes beyond the law books and the dogma and into the heart. That can only happen without interference.
One of the best things to come from this election was the honesty of the people. I actually think that we grow more and more honest and resolute each day. Instead of planning what to say next in the debate of life, it may be even better to listen. Listen to what is being said and valued. The ideals that are being actualized in this moment are centered around strength, peace and empowerment. Empowerment now, not when someone provides the parameters.
It is also important to note that some people simply do not believe in that line of thought. That has to be acknowledged as well. Again, there are two different schools of thought. Neither is right or wrong, but for increased success and greater buy in, it’s best to know true intentions and feelings. Once all of the cards are on the table, can their be room for certain complaints? No. If you like or dislike something, you will take the consequences because it was your decision. Disenfranchisement is actually born from the hopelessness of true change occurring. It is the very definition of apathy and going along to get along. Sadly, far too many people are ok with that. Can they be trusted to serve my interests if they don’t trust me to understand? Not at all. At every level there not only should be transparency, but an understanding.
Now is the time to live it and be it. And before you take hold of this message, make sure it rings true. In this day and age, everyone subscribes to a different truth. It’s best not to criss cross the lines in the sand, unless you are truly in the middle. We need people who will fight with intelligence and integrity, not for solely for their own futures, but for quantifiable differentials that will produce substantial long standing outcomes.
The love will come from us coming up from the trenches together. We are all in this together. I know what it is like to have to make some intense grocery, travel and shopping decisions. But I also know, like many of you, that I have a good life because of my values, who I am, and how I live my life. This is the time to learn new skills in finance, business, and even the circular economy. This is a time to get excited about what you can do to make your dreams come true. If you fall short, so what? There is a deep satisfaction that comes from trying in the first place. Good luck.
I remember the first time I got married, and the very exciting yet awkward day after. Although there hasn’t been a second time yet, I like to think of the first time. Before I’d gotten married I thought that there was something major that happened in order to get there. Basically, you can say “I do,” and head on out to Chick-fil-A if you wanted to. It’s really that simple, you just need to complete the paperwork. Although my mother and stepfather had been married for 20 years, I had no inside track on the mechanics of a relationship. In fact, their marriage was sadly ending, as mine was beginning. Fortunately, they remain good friends.
I am a person that is wired for optimism. I am always hopeful and full of belief that someone or somewhere out there, things will look up for us all. I write these things, while existing in some challenging times in my own life–but I still believe in the promises of goodness. I believe them even more today when I see the miracle of compassion that has been transforming on the inside of me.
The first time I got married it was at a bed and breakfast in Baltimore County. It was a small wedding, and the wedding package included a honeymoon suite with a ginormous hot tub. This was a shotgun wedding from the standpoint of me being three months pregnant. But, we knew at the time we wanted to get married. By the time we got to that room after saying “I do” something strange happened. I felt like I was looking at my husband for the first time, and I also felt like I had married someone else’s husband. The latter is a feeling I never was able to shake. Now that I am fully invested in healing work, spiritual education, and the practical and sacred spiritual life of women and families–I understand these thoughts often have legitimacy. Also, for the sake of this conversation, we should understand that some ties are spiritual, not necessarily physical. However, the day after my wedding I was expecting to do something. I felt like I should be doing something, when what I needed to be was still. I never quite shook that feeling either. I believe that comes from lack of understanding of womanhood, and a practical understanding of the spiritual nature of the male and female relationship.
I have often said that, the ministry of mom is very different than the ministry of wife. Unfortunately, they don’t often mesh well at the same time. This is often why relationships end in divorce during those stressful toddler years. A person can’t serve two masters. This is even sometimes why a second marriage may prove more successful than the first, because the stressors may not be there. However, I know that within some communities, there is still lots of work that needs to be done when it comes to positively building relationships not built on dogma or trauma. My love mantra for anyone is, be with whoever is the best fit for you. Whoever gives you the peace you desire, whoever makes you feel seen and accepted, whoever feels like they are for you and not against you–make your allegiance to that person. Cultivate a safe haven of happiness for yourself. Don’t suffer in silence.
In 2019, I actually stopped gossiping and denounced Babylon. For me, that simply meant living by truth, not by a lie. When I stopped gossiping, just about everyone I knew fell off. I never said, “I don’t gossip” I just stopped or changed the subject. Additionally the ringing of my phone also stopped. No one close to me took that proclamation seriously, and that’s okay. It was a hard right turn onto a path that would ultimately pave the way for my life’s purpose. Here I am today, five years later, still on my journey. As a woman who also considers herself to be a divine feminine, not in the sense of popular culture, but as one close to the will of my Creator. For me, divinity works from the inside to the outside. When I am called to shift an environment, or embody the spirit of the Proverbs 31 woman, while still being who I am in the world, that comes from spiritual discipline. Life is going to life, and it has taken a long time to become the steady boat on rocky waters.
The work within me is not over. It will never be over until I take my last breath. I know at any moment, I can be a mess, but I bounce back very quickly. See, I have come a long way from needing validation like I did on day one of my wedding night. I wanted to be a perfect wife out the gate and that desire caused me to often fall short of that goal. We can’t make smart decisions and choices in desperation.
Someone recently said to me, “never let anyone take away your shine.” I pass that on to you. We are designed to be the light of the world and therefore we need to make our main love a vertical love first. When that love is addressed, you will have what you need to face the day. With that understanding, you won’t feel a desire to be anything other than joy, peace, love and sometimes enraged if it comes to that. But, you will sure bounce back as long as you are connected to the Light and maintaining that shine. Looking back on the innocence of my first day of my marriage it makes me smile. It was a moment of firsts that can’t be replicated and I look on it fondly. I was 100% open, innocent, and believing. Through out the tough times, I like to reach back for that hopeful woman and continue to bring the beauty of her heart forward. You should try that too.
If you would like a nice mediation music to bring peace to your day, here is one to help heal those memories and wounds.
Growing up I was very impulsive. Like hop in cars and on planes on a whim, and even down to get engaged because: I-felt -like it–impulsive. Looking back, I never really had a bunch of regrets because I was so caught up in the moment. Which can be good. Living in the moment is a constant reminder that today is really the only day that’s promised and so you live it full out. I tend to believe I was always following my heart and passions and that my gut checks were largely right. I have no regrets when I look back on life. It was definitely full force ahead.
Well, I did have my blind spots. The only place I never seem to follow my instincts full out is when it comes to love. You know that reckless abandon that makes you want to run towards someone and never look back? Yeah, that’s always been scary for me. I mean, what if I fall in love myself? Kind of like what ended up happening over and over any way–but that’s another story for another time.
I think the best relationships don’t worry about the fall out, or maybe they do worry about it and don’t care, either way it’s a gamble. You never can tell what’ll happen on the crazy, sexy, outrageous train of love.
There is another side to making strange gut decisions, and that is feeling something and ignoring it. How many times, have you felt like,” this person is sooo perfect. Wait, no they’re too perfect…let me check out someone a bit more flawed or familiar?” That’s actually trauma. That’s an unhealed area of life and maybe even a revelation on allowing television and social media to shape your relationships.
The correct choice was probably the person that you may have had to take a leap of faith with. Maybe they weren’t that exciting but they made you laugh or they studied you intently when you spoke. Maybe they were the person that made you lose track of time, or you feel safe, when you’re used to feeling reckless.
Or when it comes to love and relationships you can be so detached from your sacral and root chakras, and detached from the truth of who you are, and what you want, that you decide to just date someone’s resume. That way, you know you won’t make a mistake. It’s a quiet kept secret but men do this too. They often go towards someone’s resume and what their parents want and fully ignore what makes they happy. Later on down the line they find themselves suffering in silence over the one that got away.
“Reflections of You” (2021) Korean Drama
That kind of love that has your stomach twisted in knots, but is forbidden on so many levels, is depicted so well in the Korean drama “Reflections of You”. I have never seen two people look so miserable apart, and while one stays attached to the one he was loyal to from the beginning and the other lives her best painter life but has an empty marriage, it is an ongoing cat-and-mouse chase of self-denial and unnecessary hell. They both could have kept their smiles and become the artists they were born to be had they simply stayed together. But loyalty called them both, and they paid for it royally. Don’t get me wrong I would done the same thing and have done the same thing, but we are looking at the road less travelled during the road to reconstructing the self.
It’s a position where you have to ask yourself what is more important: instinct or loyalty? It’s a difference between the devil you know and the devil you don’t know.
Needless to say, if this was a easy cut and dry topic, there wouldn’t be so many relationship podcasts out there pondering the subject. Following your instincts are for those who are willing to take big risks for a big reward. Oftentimes, it calls for going against tradition and even coming up against naysayers. What would you do? Do you often follow your instincts? Or do you follow them in some instances and not in others?
My goal for life going forward is to take on the courage of my spiritual guides and advisors. I plan to go big or go home. I may seem to be taking baby steps, but in my mind I am leaping forward. How about you?
