I remember the first time I got married, and the very exciting yet awkward day after. Although there hasn’t been a second time yet, I like to think of the first time. Before I’d gotten married I thought that there was something major that happened in order to get there. Basically, you can say “I do,” and head on out to Chick-fil-A if you wanted to. It’s really that simple, you just need to complete the paperwork. Although my mother and stepfather had been married for 20 years, I had no inside track on the mechanics of a relationship. In fact, their marriage was sadly ending, as mine was beginning. Fortunately, they remain good friends.
I am a person that is wired for optimism. I am always hopeful and full of belief that someone or somewhere out there, things will look up for us all. I write these things, while existing in some challenging times in my own life–but I still believe in the promises of goodness. I believe them even more today when I see the miracle of compassion that has been transforming on the inside of me.
The first time I got married it was at a bed and breakfast in Baltimore County. It was a small wedding, and the wedding package included a honeymoon suite with a ginormous hot tub. This was a shotgun wedding from the standpoint of me being three months pregnant. But, we knew at the time we wanted to get married. By the time we got to that room after saying “I do” something strange happened. I felt like I was looking at my husband for the first time, and I also felt like I had married someone else’s husband. The latter is a feeling I never was able to shake. Now that I am fully invested in healing work, spiritual education, and the practical and sacred spiritual life of women and families–I understand these thoughts often have legitimacy. Also, for the sake of this conversation, we should understand that some ties are spiritual, not necessarily physical. However, the day after my wedding I was expecting to do something. I felt like I should be doing something, when what I needed to be was still. I never quite shook that feeling either. I believe that comes from lack of understanding of womanhood, and a practical understanding of the spiritual nature of the male and female relationship.
I have often said that, the ministry of mom is very different than the ministry of wife. Unfortunately, they don’t often mesh well at the same time. This is often why relationships end in divorce during those stressful toddler years. A person can’t serve two masters. This is even sometimes why a second marriage may prove more successful than the first, because the stressors may not be there. However, I know that within some communities, there is still lots of work that needs to be done when it comes to positively building relationships not built on dogma or trauma. My love mantra for anyone is, be with whoever is the best fit for you. Whoever gives you the peace you desire, whoever makes you feel seen and accepted, whoever feels like they are for you and not against you–make your allegiance to that person. Cultivate a safe haven of happiness for yourself. Don’t suffer in silence.
In 2019, I actually stopped gossiping and denounced Babylon. For me, that simply meant living by truth, not by a lie. When I stopped gossiping, just about everyone I knew fell off. I never said, “I don’t gossip” I just stopped or changed the subject. Additionally the ringing of my phone also stopped. No one close to me took that proclamation seriously, and that’s okay. It was a hard right turn onto a path that would ultimately pave the way for my life’s purpose. Here I am today, five years later, still on my journey. As a woman who also considers herself to be a divine feminine, not in the sense of popular culture, but as one close to the will of my Creator. For me, divinity works from the inside to the outside. When I am called to shift an environment, or embody the spirit of the Proverbs 31 woman, while still being who I am in the world, that comes from spiritual discipline. Life is going to life, and it has taken a long time to become the steady boat on rocky waters.
The work within me is not over. It will never be over until I take my last breath. I know at any moment, I can be a mess, but I bounce back very quickly. See, I have come a long way from needing validation like I did on day one of my wedding night. I wanted to be a perfect wife out the gate and that desire caused me to often fall short of that goal. We can’t make smart decisions and choices in desperation.
Someone recently said to me, “never let anyone take away your shine.” I pass that on to you. We are designed to be the light of the world and therefore we need to make our main love a vertical love first. When that love is addressed, you will have what you need to face the day. With that understanding, you won’t feel a desire to be anything other than joy, peace, love and sometimes enraged if it comes to that. But, you will sure bounce back as long as you are connected to the Light and maintaining that shine. Looking back on the innocence of my first day of my marriage it makes me smile. It was a moment of firsts that can’t be replicated and I look on it fondly. I was 100% open, innocent, and believing. Through out the tough times, I like to reach back for that hopeful woman and continue to bring the beauty of her heart forward. You should try that too.
If you would like a nice mediation music to bring peace to your day, here is one to help heal those memories and wounds.
